Monday, March 12, 2012

I am NOT in control

You probably think that I have some type of personality disorder.  But this is the way that life works for me.  Once I feel comfortable in my gifts and that I have some type of direction, God shows me how much that I am not in control and He pulls the rug out from underneath of me.

In my last few posts I have been excited to tell you about my new line of crochet items and I have been planning and organizing to get ready to launch a spring line.  This past Saturday I packed up all my yarn and put it in storage.  How quickly life changes for me.  I have to admit I shed a few tears as I felt that soft yarn full of color and possibilities pass through my fingers as I packed it away.  But I know that for a time, this is how it must be.  I still have a few crochet orders to fill so I will finish those and then see where life has me at that time.

Our house renovation has taken a huge toll on our family.  I am so thankful that my husband is a contractor and that he has been able to provide the labour for our home, otherwise we would not be in a safe and warm home.  But you either have time or money when it comes to times like these and we are currently out of both.  It is time for me to get a job.

In my early 20’s all I wanted was a career, I didn’t even think that I would get married.  I was selfish, everything was about me.  Thankfully, I have changed and found a wonderful man that accepted me unconditionally.  In our first years of marriage I worked as an Educational Associate at a local school.  I am an analytical person so during that time I made a lot of realizations about the students and how they learned.  One major thing that I noticed while working in the school was that the students whose parents were involved in the school and what their children were doing did incredibly better in school, than the student whose parents never showed their face inside the school.  It was during those years that I decided that I wanted to stay home and be there for our children.  I wanted to volunteer in the school, I want to attend Parent/Teacher interviews, I want to pick up our children from school “just because”.  My children matter and I desire what is best for them, I want them to know that they have support at home whenever they need me. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a parent that is overprotective of my children.  If our daughters get in trouble at school, they are in for twice as much trouble when they get home.  Bad behaviour is not tolerated.  I dealt with many situations where students would get in trouble at school and the parents would come in and demand that their child receive an apology and that the teacher would summer 2011be reprimanded for their actions.  And this would be the case even if the student was clearly in the wrong.  It was just scary how some parents would act.

Anyway, that’s a topic for another post.  I chose then that I wanted to be home for my children.  Getting a full-time job where I am choosing to give that time to another person is just killing me.  But I am the bookkeeper of the family and I know that it is necessary at this time.  I sent out a prayer request to my friends on Instagram and the support that I received just made me weep.  What wonderful people there are in this world.

As I wait for responses from my job applications I am still doing what I can in order to stay at home with our girls.  Look at how cute they are; why would I want to be anywhere else than to be able to be home and be the Mom that they need.

As I have been dealing with all this crazy financial stuff, I have been trying to work through what I can do to make money and still be able to stay at home and make money and be flexible enough that either my husband or myself can be here for the girls.  I love to crochet and I think I am pretty good at it, but with the amount of time that it takes to crochet things you really can’t charge enough to make any money.  My husband is very glad that I finally made that realization.  I will still do it for fun, but I think my aspirations have changed in that area, but who knows what may happen in the future.

I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know who holds my future.


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